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Community Corner

Moms Talk: Extracurricular Activities

The Suffield Patch Moms Council discusses how to balance after-school activities with homework, free time and family time.

Lisa Coatti:

The subject of children and extracurricular activities draws a lot of different viewpoints from parents. Does one pull a “tiger mother” and drill in lessons, practice, sports and anything else that will provide the child with an edge? Does resisting participation on the part of your child lead to a lethargic or secluded child? When does one find time for dinner?

There are a lot of varying opinions out there. It seems evident that the world is much more competitive for our children today than it was twenty years ago. It is important to steer our children in a direction that will help them achieve success. I am about eight years away from college but the application process already keeps me up at night. (We did walk up hill for five miles in a snowstorm to catch the bus, but we didn’t play three different sports in one season, while saving the whales and composing a requiem mass.) Afterschool actives are one step in helping our children reach toward success.

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I do not think there is any absolute right or wrong in terms of advice on this subject. My philosophy has always been to do what is best for my children, do what they can handle, try to let them do what they desire and to remember to preserve the family life. I am a strong believer in family dinner. When you sign up for sports, music lessons, art classes and other activities, they tend to occur at dinnertime. If you multiply after school activities by number of children in the house, evenings at home start to become a thing of the past. Homework also becomes a challenge.

There are benefits to participating in sports and other activities. Sports can build self-confidence, an understanding of teamwork, respect for authority and, one can only hope, a scholarship. Music lessons, gymnastics, horseback riding, community service and more can add to the character of being and promote valuable life skills. The only way I, as a parent, can manage the balance, pressure and my remaining sanity is to build in some compromise.

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In our house, only one activity is allowed per child per season. Participation is commensurate with homework completion. Inevitably, dinners will be sacrificed and family time will be limited to Sunday afternoons. Rushing three children out the door to this place or that can sometimes be exhausting, stressful and often causes me to act in ways I’d rather not admit to the general public. But, as long as the children remain happy, continue to love the activity and keep up with school work, the system seems to be fair. My daughter may want to do gymnastics and horseback, my son might want to play soccer and lacrosse, my third, ballet and ice skating, but if they happen during the same season, a choice has to be made.

So far it is working. There is no doubt that I cherish those days when I look at the calendar and realize there is absolutely nowhere we have to be after school. I believe my children cherish those days too.

Perhaps a busy schedule is also beneficial in helping you appreciate the quiet times of life as well.

Wendy Pierman Mitzel:

I think this is an issue all parents struggle with at one time or another.

There is the time issue. There are some kids who love to do a million things but there’s not enough time. There are some kids who like to do nothing at all. There are some parents who work crazy hours.

Then of course, there is the issue of money. There is a fee for most extracurricular activities. On top of that there are the equipment costs. Uniforms. Five bucks for the food stand at the baseball field. You get my drift.

I practically have a self-imposed limit when it comes to afterschool activities. I would never leave my car if I drove four kids to more than one or two extra activities each all the time. It’s math for me, plain and simple. But for others, four activities a week for one child is no big deal. So it’s all relative.

At one point in our hectic lives, we came to a point where we were off and running from 3 p.m. to 8 p.m. on some days. Homework was getting done in lobbies. Dinner was take-out in the car. Bedtimes were pushed back. We did what had to be done, but I wouldn’t say it was the ultimate way to function.

Since then, activities and sports have been more carefully considered. I want to give my kids the opportunity to explore their interests and add new ones, but not at the expense of the rest of the family. We all have to make choices in daily life, and it’s not too soon to help a child navigate that skill.

I get the feeling sometimes, and even I can be guilty of this, that parents live vicariously through their kids. My generation has started a trend where children are playing in travel leagues at younger and younger ages. Or taking competition dance. Or intense afterschool courses. Maybe it’s because we grew up wanting more. Maybe it’s because our culture encourages it. I’m not exactly sure. But it makes me step back sometimes and look at the bigger picture.

With a life that is a little less scheduled, the kids can do homework at home, eat dinner at the table and experience a little bit of calm. At least for a little while.

Sherry Paquette:           

Last spring I attended a grade school softball game in another town. My niece and her teammates were decked out in their purple uniforms and crazy tie-dyed knee socks, getting pumped for the game. As I found my seat on a broken down set of old wooden bleachers, I noticed the camaraderie amongst these girls, and the pure excitement steaming from each and every one of them. As each young lady went up to bat, the others openly cheered. As a player pounded over home plate, her teammates sang a special song and danced around in choreographed unity. When a teammate did not get a run, instead of being dejected, she pranced back through the metal gates and was smacked on the back and still was serenaded with uplifting songs. Oh yeah — and the girls in purple creamed the other team!

Heartwarming and inspiring, this experience speaks to the beauty and strength of extra-curricular activities. Whether participating in sports, debate team or drama club, the discipline, values, self-confidence and social skills gained in the process are invaluable. Through the years, I have watched coaches and teachers forever alter the lives of children for the better as they impart a mix of competiveness, compassion and camaraderie. My sons have been coached by a state representative, a renowned attorney, the head of an accounting firm, and an esteemed business owner, just to name a few.

“Balance, Mom, it is all about balance,” said my older son recently, as he is now practicing Eastern Tai-Chi. He obviously does not recognize that I have been doing a balancing act all these years while parenting. There has to be time for homework or you will experience the inevitable meltdowns that rival Linda Blair in The Exorcist. Family time, as corny as your children protest it to be, actually will be what they remember the most about growing up and will bring the most influence upon their character.

We have all seen the focused, driven parents displaying lunatic behavior — for whom “It’s all about ME!” must be their true motto. Seriously, how does it help to improve your child’s performance to rant and rave on a field or court screaming “Move your butt!” or “What the hell are you DOING?!” Don’t get me wrong; I am a champion of parental involvement in school and extracurricular activities, but with the focus being on the kids, not the parents living vicariously through them. Although I certainly would never encourage my kids to quit anything, there are times from when they are very young through their college years when a parent needs to accept a change in direction for the child’s benefit and happiness.

Children in today’s American society are pushed harder and stretched thinner than ever before. National magazines often rank high schools by how many AP classes they offer. Yet while we are in such a rush to have our teens take AP courses, many set foot on college campuses unprepared in the rudimentary basics. Colleges want students who concentrate on their strengths in school, sports and clubs with a show of commitment, not shallow high quantities of activities. I am all for setting the bar high and pushing our kids to challenge themselves, be part of a team and physically fit, and participate in clubs, all within reason. Nonetheless, children do not need to be involved in multiple sports per season AND band AND chorus AND 40 hours of community service AND balance four to five AP courses. As parents have done since the beginning of time, we have to guide our kids and set parameters. In the end, it all comes down to balance.

Cami Beiter:

My response will ensure a spot at the unpopular lunch table. I know I’m not alone when I say the pressure to maintain scheduled kids is a truism. Being a mother of three, I have given in to the practice and game demands, perfection-seeking coaches and interference with family time... and I’ve done it with a smile.

Now, I’m a bit older and wiser. I refuse to push my children to the point of madness. I’ve done the three sports, clinics and extracurricular activities. My husband and I have spent long Sundays on a field or cold aluminum bleachers, a sacred day once reserved for church and family. I’ve purchased expensive equipment and dealt with neurotic team mothers of “gifted” athletes... all while counting the remaining days left in the season, secretly hoping they don’t make the championships.

I’m guilty of cramming dinner down their throats before 5 p.m. and rushing through yellow lights to get to their destination on time. We’ve all pushed the kids out of the car, yelled for them to grab their water bottle then squeezed into a parking spot.  Our arms are filled with chairs, extra water bottles, the token golf umbrella, a purse and reading material (just in case). Once seated, your heart pounds... distracted thoughts of the chaotic calendar, a disastrous kitchen and mounds of laundry requiring attention. So, I do what all other parents do. Stand in the rain, shivering, cheering and making small talk with other parents. I find humor in studying the coaches striving to relive their high school days, except with a few extra pounds and a lot less hair. I watch these dedicated volunteers stress “teamwork” and “fun”... then turn around and pull a John McEnroe.

When I was a kid, activity selection wasn’t like it is now. Most of my weekends were spent riding my bike with friends, playing in the creek, going to the beach, annoying my brother or riding my horse. In high school, I was a swimmer and field hockey player, along with involvement in numerous clubs and extracurricular activities. Practices and games were after school. Weekend athletic commitments didn’t exist, unless we were competing at a sectional or state level.

I’m not criticizing families that have active children... far from it. I understand the need to satisfy their minds and bodies with physical activity, strategy and teamwork. If they are capable, love participating and both child and parent are willing to commit, fantastic! But, I also believe there should be a limit to what’s expected. Is your child doing this to satisfy you? Do they really enjoy playing that particular sport? Tune in to your child’s feelings. If you’re forcing a circle into a square, it’s time to reassess. Who cares what other people think. Do what feels right, take a break, breathe and ignore the pressure.

I watched a special on television about this exact topic. A featured specialist did a remarkable visual perspective. She had a child stand in the middle of an empty room. With each committed activity, she had the child hold the symbol for that activity. The child was holding a soccer ball, a violin, a tutu & ballet shoes, a karate uniform, an equestrian riding helmet and a backpack full of books. Each commitment, is a weight that child must carry. Children undoubtedly complain when carrying their necessities through an airport terminal, yet may remain silent when carrying the weight of expectation.

I don’t by any means withhold activities from my children. As long as it doesn’t interfere with schoolwork and assigned projects, I’ll allow it. I choose to make it a desired decision that both parties are committed to finishing. I still drive a kid to basketball, lacrosse or drama, but I do so because they WANT to. I don’t over commit; time with friends and family is a priority. Since I have three children, I limit my kids to one activity per child, per season. If they choose not to participate in their annual sport, I’ll support it. A seasonal gap in activity is accepted and often rejoiced. I’ve known people to schedule their kids’ summer calendar in winter, each week a new planned activity... almost fearful of a hole in the month. I’ve had mothers ask me about summer plans. I’d tell them: “not sure,” “see what comes up,” “don’t like to commit.” Then I’m looked upon like a charity case... or the teenage Bob Marley wannabe that consistently forgets to turn in their homework.

My opinion is just that, an opinion. It comes from years of running around, trying to be three places at once, then finally throwing my hands up and spitting: “Enough!”

Focus on your priorities, emphasize and follow through with them. I am raising happy, healthy and well-adjusted kids... by giving them the freedom to make their own choices with activities. I want them to look back at their childhoods and remember shooting fireworks in our back field, shooting targets with their bows and arrows, swimming in the neighbor’s pool, climbing trees and forgetting flip flops by the hammock. Cold butts on aluminum bleachers are optional.

 

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